More updation... :)

so, my summer so far has been pretty lazy. Hanging out with Mike when I can... he's the best. :) yay.

we went to the beach on Friday and had lots of fun... here's a picture I like of us on the way there, he looks happy:

( click click )

So, he's leaving next week for a two-week wrestling camp thing... I'm going to miss him a lot. :( Especially since I'm leaving Thursday morning for a small vacation to Atlanta (5ish hours away), and coming back Monday, but he's leaving sometime when I'm gone. :/ blegh.

But that's about it. Ooh, June's almost over, which means that July is coming... which means I'll get my AP World History test scores soon in the mail. :)

<3,
Ashley

Well, yeah, I ended up liking Mike a lot, and so now we're dating... it's been almost 2 weeks-ish. :)

I gave him his first kiss and everything too. haha, at first I was so scared that I ruined it for him, but it was fine. :)

So... yeah, well there's that, and then I failed the geometry final. I don't know how badly, but I know I got most of the questions wrong. :/ Which sucks, because I learned geometry... but that teacher is so crazy, there were waaaay-too-hard questions on there, and a lot of people failed it last semester.

But anyway. :) I'm very happy with my life right now, besides the geometry thing. Mike is really sweet.

( me and Mike )

<3, Ashley

Okay, so this really nice guy named Mike is in my Biology class, and he started to talk to me more and smile at me, and we partnered up for a little lab thing.

And then we exchanged phone numbers. And he asked me to go to the movies with him on Saturday.

Problem is, I'm still not totally over Sean yet - and I'm afraid to develop feelings for Mike and get all confused and have it get messy. :/

So I told Mike about that, and that he's sweet, and I do want to get to know him better.

But I don't know, this timing is just bad... summer will divide us in like a few weeks, plus the whole Sean thing. :/

But he is really sweet. He said I was an awesome person and probably the cutest girl in school. awww. :)

<3, Ashley

Oh my gosh such an addicted and wonderful book. :D

I love it.

Oh, and we finished our High School Musical performances a couple weeks ago. We had a full auditorium all three nights, and some standing ovations. :)

and I signed three autographs!!

And I got tons of compliments afterwards too, on how well I did (I played Kelsi, the piano player), some from people I didn't even know.

one of the most memorable was when a woman came out of the auditorium after the show and shook my hand and said that I did a really good job, and if there was anyone who could play Kelsi, it would be me, and I was just like her, and played her to a T. :D

yay.

<3, Ashley

I thought about this in the car today... I can't remember what song it was now, but song lyrics on the radio is all that triggered this.

I was thinking about that feeling I had after Will broke up with me. It was such a powerful feeling, amazing yet terrible... how I loved him so much, yet hated him for hurting me... at the same time both loved and hated my feelings for him... thinking about him made me sob with angry and hurt tears, and yet also still gave me that feeling of flying... thinking about how I wasn't strong enough for that anguish, yet I was amazed by its power... that feeling is what I got when Sean broke up with me, yet a more muted version (because we hadn't been together for as long).

If you haven't felt such terrible pain as that, you probably don't fully understand what I'm talking about... how you want to care for someone but hate the fact that you do... how you think about them with those deep feelings controlling your thoughts, yet are forced to face the fact that you've lost them forever...

Getting past that horrible, yet almost curiously addictive stage was really hard for me. Sometimes I wanted to win him back. Other times, I wanted to push him and tell him just how much he'd hurt me. And still other times, I wanted more than anything to cry and run into his arms and rid myself of my depression.

But during that time, the reason it took me a while was because I didn't want to get over him. I just wanted him back. I think you can't get past someone when you still have feelings for them. You can pretend. And I didn't even want to do that.

I didn't want to just give up on him. I still wanted to hope that he'd change his mind. I still desperately clung to the ideas in my head that it was all a mistake.

And part of me, perhaps ever the more fueled by my still-existing feelings for him, still feels like it was a mistake. Like it wasn't the right time for the relationship to end. It felt out of place, inserted in the wrong moment of our relationship.

We had an argument... and I know that a lot of my pain comes from the fact that, truthfully, I started it. I was upset because he had gotten a part in High School Musical with me and had agreed to do it, and I wanted so badly to see him more often... this was our chance. And then he decided he wasn't going to do the show. My dreams of us spending all that rehearsal time together (like we did with MASH, the fall show, but even better because we had this wonderful relationship together now) crashed before my eyes.

Looking back, I have since learned that I was so stupid for letting my frustration compromise my feelings for him and allow myself to call him a jerk and say other things to him... we both did that. We both got too upset and let it grow into a huge, silly argument. I didn't know it would destroy our relationship. I will never, ever do that again.

The was a Saturday evening. Later that night I called and got no answer, instead leaving a message. I called a couple times Sunday and left messages (and sent a text message or two as well), and recieved silence from him the entire day. I wanted to apologize and now that I had calmed down, was ready to accept that he wasn't doing the show and move on in our relationship together. I called the Bluffton Today Vox and left one apologizing to my boyfriend, saying that I hoped we were okay.

Monday came... he always walked to school and came through the door leading to the buses, where I then met him and talked until the first bell rang. That morning was different - he came to the door, it was locked... I started to get up to go open it and he rushed away. By that time, I was scared. I was afraid that he was still really upset with me. I felt so bad for the argument. And they had printed my Vox. I got hold of a newspaper and tore it out to show it to him later.

Lunch came, and after fiddling nervously with pencils, the corners of papers, and other objects throughout my classes, I saw him. He took my aside and said he needed to talk to me, and I handed him the newspaper piece. He had already read it, and though it was unnamed, he knew it was from me.

He then proceeded to tell me that we were just too different (for instance, he was outgoing, I was quiet)... that he felt it was best if we ended things because he didn't feel that way about me anymore. That our argument is what made him start thinking about that. And that I was still a good person, and he still thought I was beautiful. (And see, recalling that still makes me cry, because he was one of the few people that called me beautiful... and I truly believed him.)

And you know, I still think the breakup came too fast, too suddenly. We could have made it past that one argument. We aren't too different - I look at both of us, and we work so well together. We might have had something amazing.

I think that's partly why I still at times have issues with this... because it was my fault. If I hadn't gotten so upset, if I hadn't let myself feel so personally insulted by the fact that he was busy, and he didn't like High School Musical anyway, so he wasn't going to do it... then I wouldn't have lost someone who I cared so much about. Not many people can give me such a special feeling, but he did. He was an amazing person, and because I was stupid, I lost my chance with him.

As you can see, writing down my thoughts on that one particular, powerful mixture of feelings has now become a very long, emotional blog. Thank you very much for reading.

<3, Ashley

ps. I copy/pasted this from my myspace blog.

Well, we're friends now... I can't believe I lost two whole months of not talking much to him.

I just feel like... like he still really cares about me. But what if I missed my chance? I already lost him by starting some stupid argument... could I have lost him forever by wasting those two long months?

But every day that I go talk to him at lunch and smile at him before school and text him, he's just so, so excited to talk to me. He smiles a lot, he talks to me like when we used to be together...

I just... I want him back, so bad. There's so much I would do to get another chance with him. Our relationship ended too soon - it wasn't time yet. We had that argument and he probably figured we couldn't work it out. But it was a little argument and we could have moved past it. Our relationship could have blossomed into something amazing.

It still kills me that I may never get a chance to at least finish what we had started together. And it drives me crazy that I'll never know what would have happened. And it hurts me so much when I think about how I let some stupid anger at him not being in the play ruin my chances with him... he probably felt like I didn't care about him. But I did, so much.

And I really sense that he still cares about me... but I fear I'll never get that second chance. He won't want to risk hurting me again. And he'll think that if it was supposed to work out, it would have the first time.

But I still really care about him, I really do.

I would give so much just to have him hold me in his arms again, just to hold his hand, and be called his girlfriend, and feel his lips pressed against mine, and be able to call him at one in the morning if I was upset, and hug him whenever I wanted, and to hear him say I'm beautiful and know from his voice tha the means it, and for him to sneak up behind me and cover my eyes and surprise me, and visit him at work, and have him be proud of me, and listen to all his songs and monologues and random quotes, and take pictures together, and take long walks arond my neighborhood, and have him miss me if I'm not at school or I go out of town, and hear him tell me how much he cares about me, and wait for him every morning just to spend a few precious moments with him, and know that he's thinking about me all the time, and a million, trillion other things.

<3, Ashley

I wish I was a kid again. Honestly, I'm so sad about it I'm crying. I don't even know why.

do you see my h/hr moodtheme? goodness, I love it. (thanks to tattooedsiren) Some are of both of them and some are of only one character. but yay it is beautiful.

Well, I am doing better in terms of Sean... I'm beginning to accept my life without him in it, and I'm not dwelling on him all the time. I'm almost ready to try and be friends with him. or something. I don't know.

Oh, and I failed a geometry test! :O I don't fail tests. I get As on tests. I was in shock. Well not really since I was taking the test and freaking out because I knew I was failing it... ugh, I just totally didn't get that chapter like I thought I did. But he's letting me retake it on Monday. :) And he even gave me my test back along with the answer key to study.

PS. You all are made of awesome. ♥ I hereby send you all internet love.

<3,
Ashley

I talked to Sean yesterday, or tried to...

I was tired of trying to figure out what he wanted... because if I approached him, he'd talk to me normally, but then he'd avoid me in the halls and deleted me off his Myspace friends (as well as all the comments I'd left him while we were dating)... so I was getting mixed signals.

So I basically approached him (very cutely dressed, I think... I had several people compliment me that day), and asked what he wanted... to not talk to me, or to try and be friends or something. And I never actually got an answer out of him!

He kept saying it depended what I wanted, whether I thought we could be friends, etc etc... and I know he has an opinion on this, why can't he just tell me what he thinks?

It was sort of dramatic, and I did one of my frusrated walk-away things I've been doing the past couple times I've tried to talk to him about this... ugh, he probably looks at me now as immature and dramatic.

I hate that. I want him to still see me as beautiful and an amazing person, which he said he still saw me as the day he broke up with me.

I hate this. :(

<3,
Ashley

Edited to add: Saw "Music and Lyrics" for my birthday... I really liked it. :)

Prayers for Cody's friend, you guys.

***

And here's my unsent letter to Sean:
Sometimes I want to cry and walk up to you and push you a little and ask why you did it. But that's silly; I know why you did it. Your reasons were justified. I accept them. It wasn't your fault. And yet, I feel like you don't care about what I'm feeling now. Which is also silly... isn't it? I know you've felt guilty even though it wasn't your fault. You said you were sorry, and I believed you.

And now I feel as though you want nothing to do to me. You delete my comments... do they cause you pain, or do you want to erase me from your life completely? You avoid looking at me in school... do you still have that guilt, or are you pretending I don't exist?

Do you consider me a stalker? A crazy ex-girlfriend? A person that never existed to you? Someone you no longer care if you hurt? Just an unknown student in the halls? An overemotional girl who you wish would leave you alone and just go away?

If you never want me to speak to you, look at you, or attempt any sort of contact, just tell me. Just tell me. I don't think you could hurt me any more by being flat-out honest. Because you talk to me when I actually approach you - but then you delete my comments, avoid my eyes... I don't understand, which is possibly hurting me even more.

And you know what? I can't say any of this to you, no matter how badly I want to sometimes. Because if I wrote to you, you'd never write back or talk to me about it. If I said it in person, you'd shrug and say you didn't know what to say.

What you should say is whatever you feel! If you want me to act like that relationship never existed, I'll do it. It'll hurt, but hey - this hurts right now. I can deal with however much pain I need to. Just say it.

And this sucks, because you'll never, ever read this. And if you did, from the signals I've been getting from you lately, you'll never say a word to me about it. That disappoints me indefinitely, because here I am - putting my feelings out there, telling you I still care, asking you to tell me what you want... and I get nothing.

***

Oh, and the girl playing Gabriella in the play (High School Musical, if you're familiar with it then you know that Gabriella's basically the lead or co-lead) is still showing up like two days a week, and late when she actually comes to rehearsal... she came like 10 minutes before we finished today. Ugh she disgusts me.

I love you all <3,
Ashley

I have some love for exhaledeeply today. She is awesome. She's caring, and she's got a great personality, she's absolutey hilarious, makes me feel better when I'm upset, and is also pretty. :)

Haha. :D You are fantabulous, Cody.

<3, Ashley

Yeah, I'm 15 today. :D

My day was pretty good... oh, Lindsey brought me BALLOONS. I was so excited, I've never gotten balloons at school before.

I have not opened my presents from the family yet, but they are sitting in a pile in the living room. I have to wait until my dad gets home.

Lindsey gave me a picture of us (it's a hilarious one) in a frame that says 'Friends' on it. :) It's great. And Nicole gave me an awesome card and 15 lemon jelly beans.

As for the whole thing with Sean... he doesn't talk to me. I guess I'm slowly healing, but I would still take him back in a heartbeat if he asked. I do still care about him. He didn't look at me today. He knew it was my birthday.

Rehearsals for High School Musical are going well, they're fun. Nicole has joined in, as an 'ensemble member' - meaning, and extra with a few lines.

Anyway... everyone, let me know how yu're doing! Really, I want to know.

<3, Ashley

(I've got photos and stuff at my deviantart! http://www.areida-hermione.deviantart.com/ )

Well, it's been about two weeks since the Sean-breaking-up-with-me thing... and I still really care about him, and it still tortures me to see him only from a distance and not be able to talk to him... it really, really hurts.

Everyone keeps saying either to get over it (do not say that to me), or that I'll find a better guy, or that he's a jerk. And none of that is helping me. Telling me to get over it means you think I'm being dramatic and looking for pity and you're annoyed by my misery. Telling me to find a better guy makes me sad, because I don't want a better guy, I want Sean. And calling him names doesn't help, because he's not any of those things. He broke up with me rather than pretending to feel something for me that he didn't. He felt bad about it, and was really nice and gentle about it, so he's an amazing person and I really care about him.

Anyway. I am attempting to cope.

Play rehearsals for High School Musical (I'm Kelsi, remember) are going okay... still hardly anyone showing up regularly... and the girl playing Gabriella seems to think daily practice and such is a waste of her time. She's driving me crazy with that, complaining that she can't rehearse every day, and that the improv and get-to-know-your-character games we did on Friday were pointless... I'm about to punch her (not really, but I want to). She got the lead, and doesn't even really care. Argh. And yet I show up every single day for my smaller part and put my whole self into it. I do not need her crap on top of my own stress.

Anyway. Hope everyone's doing well. *hugs* Love you all.

<3, Ashley

Oh, and I decided to wear black to school on Valentine's Day, since that day will suck because I was so close to having an amazing boyfriend for this holiday, and now he won't even really look at me. I'll at least wear a black shirt, but maybe just that with jeans.

This is copy-pasted from the blog I wrote on Myspace. I am feeling drained and lazy.

***

Okay. Well, Sean broke up with me today. Before lunch. It was very... unexpected. I don't know how I feel, exactly. Definitely numb. He was nice about it and everything (my first not-mean break up), but it still hurt, so much. And it does. And it will continue to stab me repeatedly in the heart for a while, probably. I don't really know what to do with myself now.

I just really didn't think it would happen. I said we're going two different directions, and we're two different people (he's outgoing, I'm quiet)... I don't know, I always thought we worked together. If I think about it, I still think we could.

I asked if he cared about me - he said he cares about everyone he knows. But he said something like he thinks he should feel something if our relationship was what it was supposed to be, and he doesn't feel that. Or something, I was very overwhelmed. Basically, it means he has no feelings for me. Which pains me, so much.

And I know it wasn't because I'm not good enough for him or something. I know that. But it doesn't stop me from feeling that way. Like, I did something wrong (which I did, I started a stupid argument over the weekend that propelled his thoughts in this direction), or I wasn't a good enough girlfriend for him. I know it's not why, but I still feel that.

He said I'm a wonderful person, and he doesn't want me to forget that. He said he still thinks I'm beautiful. I hope what he said was true.

I didn't go to lunch, afterwards. Maybe it's juvenile, but I went into the bathroom, into a stall, and cried. Quietly, I didn't make a scene or anything. But it hurts, it really does.

At the same time, I'm sort of... well, yeah, numb. Like it didn't happen. I mean, I know it did, but it just seems surreal. I keep realizing all the things that are different. I should take down my drawing I did of the two of us that's hanging on my wall. I should take the photos out of my locket - or at least, not wear it anymore. I should remove his name from my contacts in my phone (I know his number anyway). I should change my status here on Myspace back to 'single'. I should do something with the photos of us that I have. Especially the one of him I have in a frame. I should delete all the swet texts he's sent me that I saved in my phone inbox.

I don't know if I want to do all that yet. It's too final. It's too... I'm over him. Which I'll admit to you, if anyone actually reads this: I'm not. I care about him, a lot. Which certainly doesn't make this any easier. But I'm not ready to de-Sean my life.

He's already done so, though, it seems. His status his single. He removed me from his 'friends'. I'm probably not in his contacts anymore. My photo is certainly not his phone wallpaper. (That's another thing, my phone reads 'Sean and Ashley' as the wallpaper when you open it.)

What happens when he's working at Kroger and we go there? Will he look at me? Will he ignore my gaze, or speed off? What about school? When he comes in the morning, will he walk by and purposefully keep his eyes lowered? At lunch, will he pretend not to see me? (Where will I sit?)

I don't know what else to say. Normally I reserve this sort of entry for my Livejournal. Perhaps I'll copy and paste.

I'm in emotional pain.

****

Oh, and Sean - you'll probably never lay eyes on this... You're an amazing person. I will always think that. And although you may not care about me much anymore, I'm not quite done caring about you. (That almost sounds stalkerish. It's not.) You broke up with me very nicely, though. Better than anyone else has, so... good job? I really don't have any clue what to say. I cannot imagine just avoiding your gaze from now on, never speaking... well, I could picture it, but... I don't know. Whatever is your decision, it's yours. Hurt me if you must. Perhaps sometime I can get a last hug from you. Probably not, I don't know if you'd go for that. But I could use one.

New classes. Blegh.

I'm getting used to them, though. The Geometry teacher is driving me crazy, though - he doesn't assign things, then expects us to have done them. I thought I might cry on Friday when he said we'd be having a vocab test in 5 minutes, although he never once mentioned vocabulary the entire week we had his class. Spanish... it's okay so far, but the teacher doesn't want us to talk, ever. We work silently. World History is different... my first AP class, it's a different sort of thing. Biology... okay, I guess.

I really don't know what else to say. I don't know. Everything's okay, I suppose.

Hope you all are doing splendid! <3

-Ashley

Well, I start my new classes on Wednesday... Monday and Tuesday we don't have school (Tuesday's a teacher workday). I'll have Spanish 2, Geometry Honors, Biology Honors, and AP World History. Geez, it'll be hard to do all that work after having such easy classes before (English, art, chorus, World History).

About my personal life... Sean and I are doing really great. My sister, however, told my mom a couple days ago about how I've kissed him and stuff... she didn't know before. Never tell your little sister anything and expect her to actually not tell. So now my mom's worried that I'll have sex or something. Which I won't, I'm not old enough.

Sean came over yesterday... we got out of school at 11:00 because of exams, and us and my mom saw Freedom Writers... then we had to pick up my sister from school, then go to the bank, then pick up my brother... then we finally got home. We went upstairs, and kissed a lot... but a lot of it was really slow and romantic. It was great. And I felt totally comfortable with him. I was afraid of screwing something up or anything. We got really lazy and stuff, actually. We were on my bed, and he pulled me down into his arms, and we laid there like that for probably about half an hour. You'd think I'd be so nervous and stuff, but it was really nice. It was peaceful.

I asked him about college, since he's leaving at the end of the year for it... he wants to be a history teacher now. He said he likes the College of Charleston, which is only like 2.5 hours away I think... that's better than when he wanted to go to New York for college.

I've been thinking a lot about the sex thing... I am not ready, and I know that. And I know he wouldn't pressure me into anything I wasn't ready for. I feel like, if I was older, and our relationship had been going on for a while longer, I might go for it. But that's not the case. Even months and months from now, I won't allow myself to have sex with him even if I think I want to. I'm just not old enough. When we were kissing, he pulled away a little and asked me what I wanted. I said I didn't know... he wanted me to tell him what to do, what I liked. I kissed him again, then told him that this was all I wanted - just to kiss him. I asked if that was okay, and he said yes, it's more than okay. So he knows. And I also told him earlier that I don't want things to get too physical or sexual.

I'm a little afraid of what my friends would think of me lying there in his arms like I did... my true friends wouldn't judge, really, but they'd be worried about the sex thing. I know he's a couple years older than me and everything, but it's not like he's necessarily expecting sex from me. We're actually on the same level, experience-wise. I don't want people to think I'll end up giving him my virginity. And I don't want people to worry so much. My mom suggested I go on birth control! I don't need it, I really don't.

Anyway.

So, I hope everyone's doing okay... especially you, Cody. I love you all.

<3, Ashley

I made this litlle movie slideshow thing... I think it's cute.

( under the cut )
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you all!

<3, Ashley

( edited to add this thing )

We got a new computer. The old one was SO old, and it crashed and stuff. So that's really why I haven't been here in a while.

Also, my friends are just so GREAT! That includes you all, of course. *hugs*

Sean is in New York for Christmas, but we've been texting and talking over the phone. I miss him, though. He got me a pretty silver locket for Christmas, and I put a photo of him and a photo of us together in it. He's the greatest. He came over on the 15th after school to exchange gifts and hang out before he left early the next day, and he was very sweet the whole time. He's such a romantic. I have to post pictures. There's some on my Myspace, if you want to see. ( http://www.myspace.com/fleetingsmile )

Anyway. How's everyone been?

I have to read 63 pages of my AP World History book over break... I start the class a little bit into January, when we change classes. AP! I'm so excited. I'm on page 35... it's mildly interesting, it's just hard to focus for so long.

<3,
Ashley

See my new icon? I love it. It can really be true sometimes. :P

**

Well, Emily was normal today. I guess we're fine.

I didn't see Lindsey... I was in the chorus room looking for my book. Well, Codi's book. That I borrowed. And left in there on Friday. And now it's gone. I want it back! First of all, it was a great book, second in a trilogy, and I didn't hardly get to start it. Secondly, it's one of Codi's favorite books and it's not at WalMart or anything... just Barnes and Noble. Maybe Target, though - I should check, seeing as I'll be needing to replace his. *headdesk*

I recreated my Myspace, finally... I deleted it a while ago, but it's back! http://www.myspace.com/fleetingsmile - friend me there if you want. But try not to write any comments with any sort of content you wouldn't want my 12 year old sister to see... she just made her Myspace and I'm nearly her only friend, so she's always looking at my profile.

Anyway. The Ficathon's doing good. No finished fics yet, but that's okay. If you want to join in, or at least look at it, it's hhrxmasfic2006

Sean's doing fine... he was sweet today. Well, extra-sweet I should say, he's always sweet. We had a couple-kiss today. When I say that, I mean those kinds of cute pecks that you have before going your separate ways, you know. I love those! It feels so... couple-y. Whoo. *dork*

So, anything special going on with you guys?

<3, Ashley